Work like a cat: here’s why you should slack off at work

Uphold Garfield thought

Cats are considered “exploitive captives” by biologists. Humans may hold cats as prisoners for life, but they manage to get their fair share (and maybe more) from the bargain. Rather than suffering from their captivity, cats exploit their situation and manage to leverage food, shelter, catnip, and all the other creature comforts of life from the deal.

Fun fact: “Sabo-Tabby” is the symbol for the Industrial Workers of the World and is a symbol of sabotage!

Leftists can learn a lot from these furry freeloaders. As long as we are oppressed by capitalism we should seek to exploit our situations as much as possible in the confines of our own workplace captivity.

As I’ve explained in a previous entry, your boss is a thief. For every hour you work, the value of your labor is being stolen from you in the form of profit which is siphoned away by your company’s owners. This is why we, the exploited workers of the world, must do everything we can to balance the scales and seize back the value of our labor from these capitalist thieves.

A long time ago I came across a little online pamphlet with words of advice from Dr. A. P. J. Abdul Kalam, the 11th president of India, which included this quote:

Love your job, but don’t love your company, because you may not know when your company stops loving you.

Here is the full text of the pamphlet, from his website:

ALWAYS LEAVE OFFICE ON TIME

• • Work is a never-ending process. It can never be completed.
  • Interest of a client is important, so is your family.
  • If you fall in your life, neither your boss nor client will offer you a helping hand; your family and friends will.
  • Life is not only about work, office and client. There is more to life.
  • You need time to socialize, entertain, relax and exercise. Don’t let life be meaningless.
  • A person who stays late at the office is not a hardworking person. Instead he/she is a fool who does not know how to manage work within the stipulated time. He/She is inefficient and incompetent in his work.
  • You did not study hard and struggle in life to become a machine.
  • If your boss forces you to work late, he/she may be ineffective and have a meaningless life too; so forward this to him/her.

• Leaving Office on Time: Efficient, Good Social Life, Quality Family Life

This is all great advice, but in my opinion it doesn’t go far enough. As leftists, we should all consider ourselves guerilla warriors who are doing everything we can to protect ourselves and our comrades for exploitation and to stifle capitalism. That is why I am about to start advocating for slacking off, goldbricking, being sneaky and deceptive, and otherwise being lazy and subversive at work.

Don’t goldbrick on your fellow workers if you are in a well organized union!

Of course, this isn’t for everyone! Not every worker is being crushed by the wheels of capitalism. Even in the most capitalist countries on earth, some workers enjoy a relatively fair deal, such as:

• Workers who are in a functional, cohesive, and well-organized union
• Freelancers and other contractors who command an hourly wage which they consider to be commensurate with the value of their labor
• “Petty Bourgeois” — i.e., managers and executives who help capitalists exploit workers
• Sole proprietors who work for themselves or anyone working for an all-family business
• Workers who work for non-profits or other organizations that are legitimately helping to improve society
• Certain government employees who are paid fairly and providing services for fellow citizens
• Vested employees with very substantial interest in their companies, or otherwise receive fair and generous profit shares
• Sales people who receive very generous commissions (commensurate with their labor value)
• Workers at co-ops and other employee- or community- owned institutions
• Anyone who can honestly say that they are being over-paid for their work, or at least compensated with the full value of their labor

If you fit into any of these categories, then Dr. Kalam’s guidelines are probably sufficient to lead a balanced life that is free from exploitation. You can stop reading and go enjoy your “Good Social Life.”

If you’re a struggling single parent, like comrade Tony Micelli, you may have to deal with some drudgery for the sake of your family’s wellbeing.

Unfortunately, under capitalism, most workers fall into much less ideal situations. These include:

• Hourly employees, freelancers, and contractors who are paid less than the value of their labor
• Salaried workers who are expected to work more hours than they are fairly paid for
• Anyone working for a corporation or institution that is doing substantial harm to society or the environment
• Workers in developing countries who are victims of capitalist imperialism
• Workers who are forced to toil in unsafe or discriminatory conditions
• Workers whose bosses are abusive or toxic
• Anyone who is being treated unfairly or otherwise exploited at work

If you belong to one of these categories (and chances are very high that you do), it’s time to start your campaign of workplace slacking and sabotage!

First, some words of warning: Take the following advice at your own risk. There is always a chance that doing what I am proposing will get you fired. If you have children to feed, if you are in an unstable financial situation, or you are otherwise vulnerable to being put in danger or extreme suffering by losing your job, then there is no shame in doing what you have to do to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Be smart and don’t take risks without a backup plan and emergency savings so you can start over again if things go South.

Behold: the archetypal hero of the proletariat!

So yes, there are risks. But there are also substantial potential gains to be made from becoming a Slacker Saboteur. You may get psychological relief from knowing that you are taking measures to combat the systems that actively oppress you. You may have less stress from work and more time to pursue your own passions and interests. You may technically be giving yourself a raise and earning more money for less time. You may have more satisfaction in life and more pride in yourself as you seize back control over the hours of your day.

Ready to start loafing around for noble cause of liberating the proletariat? The first step is to take the Workplace Partisan’s Pledge:

Until the last capitalist has been overthrown and the means of production have been seized by we, the exploited workers of the world, I pledge to support my fellow workers and to fight capitalism at every opportunity, to decrease the value of stolen labor value of my capitalist oppressors, and to make my first priority the happiness and wellbeing of myself and my fellow workers to the detriment of company profits and management demands.

Take a deep breath, comrade. Now you’re a full-fledged member of the Slacker Resistance!

If you’re interested about militant unionism, you may want to look into the Industrial Workers of the World.

Here are some commandments that every one of us must strictly observe:

1. Never make any kind of negative report about a fellow worker unless the worker’s actions are actively threatening the safety and wellbeing of yourself or another worker.
2. Never “go the extra mile” or put in “extra hours” without demanding fair compensation.
3. Always make it appear that you are going the extra mile, especially when you are not.
4. Never participate in “mandatory fun” like company picnics, softball leagues, etc. — especially on your own time! — unless you would genuinely enjoy the activity.
5. Never report a shoplifter or anyone who is fleecing the company unless not doing so would actively endanger your wellbeing or the wellbeing of a fellow worker.
6. Conceal the mistakes and transgressions of coworkers whenever possible, unless their mistakes are actively hurting you or other workers.
7. Do not concern yourself with anything that is hindering the profits of the company. You aren’t being fairly paid, so it’s literally none of your business.
   7B. If your employer is truly horrible, it’s okay to do direct acts of sabotage, slowdowns, and other such acts of resistance against them! Just be extremely careful and thoughtful about how you go about it so as not to endanger or harm yourself or coworkers.
8. If customers are working class, treat them with dignity and respect and put their needs before the needs of the company. Give them good service, help them find discounts and good deals, or simply be honest with them if they are getting a bad deal.
9. If customers are of the capitalist class, never go out of your way to serve them. They may see you as a mere servant, but you must never see yourself that way. If you make commission on sales, then squeeze as much as you can from them!
10. Always steal office supplies.

I would like to recognize, in closing, that I take no pleasure in offering this advice. On the contrary, I find it very sad and depressing. I was raised to take great pride in my work. My family has a long history of blue collar working class men and women that goes back generations, and I believe that one of the great joys of life is making or doing something with all the passion and energy you can muster.

A key reason to seize the means of production is so working people can take pride in our work once more!

In that sense, by squeezing workers’ income for every last drop of profits, by putting pressure on employees to work long and thankless hours, by laying off countless workers every year for the bottom line, by pushing us down to lift themselves up into lifestyles of exorbitant luxury and wealth, capitalists are robbing us of much more than the monetary value of our paycheck. They are robbing us of the value of craftsmanship and honest labor. They brought this fight to us. We should have no shame in taking these measures to defend ourselves.

So if you have a  feline companion who completely ignores you until it’s time to be fed, take notes. Your cat is a just being a good comrade.

In future articles I will share some “Life Slacks” that will give more specific tips and advice about how to take back the value of your labor, so make sure you subscribe to this blog on Facebook and YouTube to keep the fight going!

How do you slack off at work? Let me know in the comments!